Have you ever stopped for a moment, looked up at the moon and thought, "Wow... someone has actually been up there and walked on that"? - It's really a phenomenal concept when you think about it... the same can be said about making the perfect cup of tea.

Now, most people would class making a cup of tea as being quite an achievable feat - and to most people it is. Kettle, teabag, milk, done. Sure they've made a cup of tea, hell it may even taste ok - but have they made the perfect cup of tea?

In Dubai they thought they'd made the perfect fish tank - filled it with 33,000 fish, 10 million litres of water... oh, and about 400 hundred sharks. Like the Spanish inquisition, nobody expected the headline, "Dubai Mall Evacuated After Aquarium Leak".

Still, it's not bad news for everyone today - as one door closes for Cheryl 'Tweedy' at the Cole residence, another one opens up at the Terry household... kismet???

The truth is life never goes as planned, sometimes you're the crazy bird with a shaved head singing to Prince -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPsAS7AIKCI

- and then other times, you're the real deal...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfMMzMjxwTY


Goodnight everyone!

"You're just a sinner I am told
Be your fire when you're cold
Make u happy when you're sad
Make u good when u are bad

I'm not a human
I am a dove
I'm your conscious
I am love
All I really need is 2 know that U believe...

I would die 4 u"

Sometimes when life deals you lemons, the only thing you can do is make lemonade squirt other people in the eye with lemon juice - it may not solve your problem, but at least you know there's someone feeling worse than you do.

So, Cheryl Cole's split from Ashley - I'm cool with that, so long as she doesn't come crawling back to me again - every time she does it it just gets a little more awkward & embarrassing for the both of us!
On the other hand Nicole Scherzinger (the Pussycat Doll) is back with Lewis Hamilton - truth is I'd gotten bored with her, always banging on about 'Jai Ho' this and 'Jai Ho' that - change the record please girl!

Gordon Brown (Yes I'm actually going to talk politics, but bear with me!)is warning the law-makers of the pitfalls of legalising assisted suicide - I'm guessing that he's speaking from first hand experience as once again he attempts political suicide. Now I've got nothing against ol' Gordon - I don't remember anyone ever actually voting him into the #1 slot - but that's neither here nor there - the issue today is that he doesn't treat his staff too well. Now I was a little cynical about some of the alleged claims of abuse... until I saw this video of him in action - the man is an animal! (skip it on 40 seconds and watch the carnage unfold inside No. 10!!!)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/labour/7301768/Gordon-Browns-bullying-digitally-recreated-in-Taiwanese-news-footage.html

And so we end the blog that shall forever be known as 'the one where I figured out how to add links' with a song that for some unknown reason has been stuck in my head all day, I have no idea why! Check out this Youtube gem fronted by my new favourite girl group... "Jailbait" (Also look out for the creepy comment from 'MoviemanDoug' - someone call the police!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM-FMdzEcT8

Kids hey?!

- Goodnight everyone!

Ooo and it's alright and it's comin' along
We got to get right back to where we started from! -
Love is good - love can be strong!
We got to get right back to where we started from!

Sometimes when people say "brb", what they actually mean is 'Back around Breakfast time'. It reminds me of the joke, "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" - I assume it's a joke anyway, I waited hours for an answer but nobody ever told me how... I guess I may never know.

The life story is now onto page two... although page one was comprised of just the words, "MY LIFE STORY", in size 128 font. I have the feeling that the pages are going to start filling up pretty quick now though (I plan on keeping the font size).

There's snow on the ground again outside, which has left old folks complaining as there's a chance that they could slip. Luckily for Britain's ever ageing population I'm up early enough to ensure that the cold water I pour onto the pavement has enough time to freeze - turning that risk into a certainty.
Why exactly do old people chew at you when they're annoyed? - or when they've broken their hip, or usually in my case, both... The angrier they get, the more they chew - it's like they're struggling to keep their teeth in their heads, which at their age they probably are...

Well I've just got back from Avatar and I have to admit it was better than I thought it would be, although I'd have probably been bored if I'd had seen it in regular old 2D. Americans land somewhere new, make the local tribes people generally rather unhappy and then take all of their stuff. I bet that plot outline must have taken a few hours to cobble together...
What concerned me most, and without wanting to give to much away to those who still haven't seen it, was the two scientist guys who stayed behind at the end. Now I was never under the impression that they were 'that type' of boy, but the only other option is that they play with the ten foot tall, blue, local girls. Now anyone who's familiar with the history of the AIDS virus (aka 'fun monkey disease') knows that interspecies love is never a good idea...

Right, I've really gotta go! - I've just spotted that my "Tesco Anti-Bacterial Multi Action Wipes" (With Neutral Citrus extracts no less!), says on the pack that it will kill the swine flu virus in the kitchen... I hadn't even realised that it had gotten into the house! I need to go barricade the kitchen to stop the germs spreading any futher!

Goodnight everyone!

So today I was given the challenge of writing up my life story - a simple yet short story, or so I imagined given that my primary daily routine generally focuses around the rearranging of numbers on a computer screen - and so merrily I set to work.

I began to write about life growing up in Andy's room, my adventures with my friend Woody and the discovery that Evil Emperor Zurg was really my father - it all sounded good on paper, but I had the feeling that I'd heard it all before... although I guess I would if it was my life story!

I finally got around to watching "THE FILM" - just the mere mention of the word Twilight has the ability to send teenage girls into a giddy frenzy, and now I can see why. Broody boys who sparkle in sunlight, white Americans who typically don't get along with their Indian neighbours and a guy who looks like Harpo Marx - what's not to like?

In an attempt to stay 'current' with my viewing habits I'm off to see Avatar tomorrow - at almost three hours long it better be good! - Once I've got that out of the way I may go & see Jaws, then I'll be fully up to date with all the latest films...

Ever drink so much red bull that your hands start to shake & your heart palpitates?... yep, we've all been there!

Turns out I'm a bit rubbish with emotional goodbyes... again I'm putting it down to the red bull - normally the weepy stuff doesn't get to me, maybe it's because it's a full moon...??? - Ah well, it was a nice night anyway!

"New Weapons In Battle Against Giant Oz Toads" - I hope you're paying attention KD, I've not even read the full story, but I know that I now want a giant toad!

Well this is going to get the record for shortest blog ever, but I have been out all night and I am quite sleepy!

Good luck in your new job Teej - take care & remember to stay in touch!

Goodnight everyone!

You know you've been out for a meal to celebrate Chinese new year when you're left feeling hungry with nothing but the fortune, "The road ahead is straight and clear", to keep you going - it was an incredibly accurate prediction however, 'as the drive home was along the A55 was a very very quiet one.
Apparently we're now in the year of the tiger, I was born back in the year of the dog - which explains why I'm the 'mutts nuts' (as it were), and also why I can lick them... eww - that joke leaves a bad taste in my mouth!

"Anti-gay pastor shows porn in church" - not the usual type of headline I'd expect to find in the Guardian, then again it's not the kind of film I'd expect to find in church! What was the pastor thinking? - Naughty vids... in church??? The only explanation that I can think of is that maybe he'd been confused by cries of, "Oh God I'm coming!"??! - The sad part is, when I first read the headline, I was actually left wondering just what exactly "Anti-gay pasta" was...

Well I'm feeling very sleepy, so it's just a little one tonight (I've said that before... sigh...) - goodnight everyone! - I promise I'll give you a good long one tomorrow (I've said that before too!)!!!

Britney Spears was a slave for you, Twenty 4 Seven were slaves to the music, and well, I'm a slave to this blog (it's probably a good job that I can't think of any other slave references!). Turns out folks actually notice when I miss a day... just one day, just one incy-wincy-bitty day... why'd I miss it? Because I was drunk (don't judge me) and busy trying to work out which end of a power drill you're supposed to look into when you use it...

...turns out it's neither.

Have you ever reached the point where you've actually wondered whether or not you have a drinking problem? I'm on my fourth large scotch of the evening - the first three all missed my mouth, surely such a high spillage rate is a sign that something's wrong?!!

"The must-see movie of the year!", said James King of Radio One.

"Truly breathtaking", said Empire Magazine.

"Mind blowing", said... Sugar...??? Hmmm...

Yes 'IT' arrived today, y'know 'IT' - the 117 minutes of celluloid that girls refer to as "THE FILM"... sigh, I'm almost too ashamed to say it's name. I'm hoping there's something in it for the boys - I'm really not sure what I'll do if I'm only stuck with option of team Edward or team, erm, the other guy?
Surely if 'Heat' magazine says it has "Sizzling Chemistry", then it can't be that bad?

Ah well, I think I'll save that milestone of cinematic history until the weekend - right now it's back to Prince 'Erotic City' - he swears he says 'Funk', but I'm not convinced...

Goodnight everyone.

"If we cannot make babies, maybe we can make some time..."

The truth is that, as a man, I never read instructions. Sure I'm aware of their presence, but I like to think that I can work most things out... anyway I was bought a game of 'shocking roulette' for my birthday (If you don't know what that is, here you go - http://www.therandomshop.co.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=632&zenid=45ce043123835cb6fe7b90298e2922ac), and on this occasion it may have been wise to have read those instructions before turning on the voltage.
It turns out that it's your finger that you're supposed to insert into the machine and not ahem...well... - I thought it was alarmingly intimate for a four player game! Now I might never have children!

So it's official, Yahoo has the laziest news reporters. Today I gasped with complete and utter lack of surprise at the headline, "EuroMillions couple plan to give up work" - now there's a conclusion I couldn't have jumped to myself. What surprised me more was that Nigel Page and Justine Laycock (of Cirencester, Gloucestershire no less) held a press conference to announce to the world their £56MM winnings. They also supplied an array of photos, their address and a whole host of other details that's going to make planning the robbery so much easier!

Ah well.. just a short one today as not much else has gone on - so it's back to Kate Bush, chocolate buttons & the booze...

"Heathcliff, its me, Cathy come ho-ooome - I'm so cold, let me in-a-your windo-owwww..."

"Twit-twooooo, twit-twooooo" - I was awoken this morning by the sound of a large magical looking owl tapping softly at my bedroom window pane. Hastily I leapt out of bed and rushed to greet it, however just as I was about slap it with a slipper for so rudely disturbing me, I spotted in it's beak an envelope... "Could this be an extravagantly delivered valentines card?", I thought to myself - Turns out however, that J K Rowling's legal team isn't fond of you insinuating that young Harry P may have a penchant for barnyard animals... and there I was thinking that those kinds of documents were delivered by 'legal eagles'!
I've only been going at this thing for a week, but already I may have pushed it too far... (said Dumbledore).

Well, "Happy sad suckers day!" everyone - I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me... which isn't good!
Just one bunch of roses sent this year. and despite explicitly requesting that the message, "I love you", be written on the back of the bill, it looks like I've actually been charged for them! - I guess it's true what they say, love hurts... my wallet!

People often say to me, "Clayton, why is a stud like you single?" - the truth is girlfriends are too expensive, even a 'girlfriend experience' lasting just an hour will set you back a few hundred quid - so imagine how much a full time one would cost!
I guess the problem is that I'm one of those guys who likes to pay for everything (I know, call me old fashioned), although I'm being encouraged to split everything 50/50 - which sounds fine on paper, but those 'girlfriend experience' girls really aren't happy unless you pay for the whole hour!

Ah well, here are some more romantic rhymes to lift the mood!

"Roses are red,
Snowdrops are white,
Hey it's Valentines day -
Let's stay up all night! ;)"

"Lillies are white,
And I know they're your fav!
It's a shame they're not cheap,
(But I found found these on a grave!)."

"Roses are red,
Pigs live in sh*t,
You've got a body,
That just wont quit!"

"Roses are red,
Brown is the bear,
I'd love to see you
In your underwear!"

Well Happy Valentines Day once again to all the babes of the world, shame I can't love you all - but if I did I'd just never get anything done!

Now everyone, lets finish with a BUTT DANCE!! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_l_)(_\_) - Yeah, that's right - work it girl! Bow Chica Bow Wow!

Apparently it's a bad idea to admit that you're not a doctor BEFORE you leave the surgery - ah well, you live and learn...

This morning Yahoo News greeted me with the headline, "Lucky Brit wins EuroMillions jackpot". Lucky 'Brit' wasn't exactly what I was thinking when I saw the news, it sure rhymed 'Brit' though! £56 million... I have no idea how I'd spend that much money! - Well... actually most of it would probably be blown on women, fast cars and alcohol - the rest I'd probably just waste.

I found out yesterday that a local man (from Chester for the non-locals) - has been arrested for the act of 'bestiality'. Allegedly (I don't want to get sued) he was caught 'in the act' with his pet Labrador... now a German Shepherd I could understand - but a Labrador?! Sicko.
Another term for bestiality is 'zoophilia', which, with more than a hint of tragic irony, is also where 'dog boy' works. Obviously this has broadened the scope of the police investigation as they strive to find out whether he stuck his p-p-pr [Censored - but you can guess where this is going] up a penguin.
The alleged suspect was also in ownership of a Chihuahua. When questioned as to whether said pet was also a victim, the suspect claimed that, "he could never stoop that low" (I stole that one from my dad).
The suspects current response to the charges is that he had been 'led' astray, and that Lassie had been 'begging' for it. The prosecution have however slammed his defence, saying that it's just plain 'barking'. In a statement issued by the police, they have said that the suspect should be expecting some 'ruff' justice.

Apparently the latest celeb craze is 'teacup pigs' - piggies so small that they can actually fit inside a teacup. These little porkers are also affectionately referred to as 'micro-pigs' - why do I feel hungry of a sudden?!

It still remains unclear as to whether 'dog boy' has attempted to make 'micro-pigs' at any point... maybe that's how Harry Potter got 'Hog warts'...

Have you ever felt a burning sensation when you pee? I have to admit that I'm no doctor, but I've got a suspicion that the house may be on fire...

It turns out that some people have embarrassing bodies, and that some of those people with embarrassing bodies have embarrassing illnesses. Understandably some of those people with embarrassing bodies and embarrassing illnesses are too embarrassed about their embarrassing bodies and embarrassing illnesses to see their understanding GP... So what I don't understand is why a person whose embarrassing body and embarrassing illness, too embarrassed to see their understanding GP is stood before the world on Channel Four waving their cankerous crotch in my pizza porking face, proclaiming, "I'm so embarrassed by my embarrassing body and my embarrassing illness, that I'm too embarrassed to see my understanding GP". I'm assuming that proclamation was probably followed by, "...Is that a camera?".

Anywho, I saw that pizza twice!

... the topping wasn't as nice second time round though...

In an interesting response to yesterdays story regarding Britain's burglars being 'made redundant', Britain's bobby's are fighting back against the falling rates of crime by, "posing as burglars and breaking into vulnerable properties". The purpose of this exercise is to allegedly demonstrate "security weaknesses", and is part of what's Officially called "Operation Golden" - or unofficially, "Operation Shhh... what was that noise? You'd better go check...".

I've had a go at writing some valentines day rhymes today -

"Roses are red,
Cows are sacred,
If I give you a fiver...
Will you get naked?!"

Or hows about,

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'd get more than a caution
For what I'd do to you!"

Or maybe...

"Roses are red,
Chocolates are swell,
If you don't say you love me,
Then you'll die down a well." (That one's my favourite)

Shame 'Clinton's cards' is already taken... I don't think that Hallmark have anything to worry about though! (Yet!)

"Britain may be forced to ball out Greece" - I really hope that was a typo in the news headline today, don't get me wrong - I love Greece, especially the mythology - but really that's kind of a third date thing... right??!

Vernon Kay's in trouble for sending sordid messages on his phone - honestly I wouldn't have replied if I hadn't had free texts to use up! What's the problem with celebs nowadays though? Angelina Jolie's off to visit Haiti - how many children does one woman need?!

- Actually I've just spotted the article,"'Baby Factory' mother has 14th child taken into care" - I'm guessing that the first challenge those kids had was just 'hanging in' long enough to last the whole nine months! (Eww to that imagery!)

I have to admit my favourite news headline of the day was,"Britain's burglars 'made redundant'" - I know there's a lot of it going around thanks to the 'credit crunch' , but I'd always assumed that crime was one of those 'safe' industries where you were 'set for life'? - kind of like working for the council?!

WOOOO! IT'S SNOWING AGAIN!!! - Just when I was starting to think it was actually possible to get bored of snow, I realised that it isn't! - I just hope that it gets really deep this time! (I've got food in & if all else fails, the neighbours cat hangs around my garden a lot...) - this time I won't settle for anything less than eight inches...ahem...

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life when someone's said something so powerful that it's moved you? I bumped into a girl I used to know about a week ago - when she said that the restraining order was still in force I instantly moved 500ft!

Wow - it's only day four and already I'm suffering from creative block! I've had artistic block before, or rather I upset an artist once and he did something with his easel that caused blockage! Stevie Wonder really could have done it better though...

One of the guys at work actually suggested that the Matrix could be real today and that we all might just be part of his imagination... Now there's nothing wrong with having an open mind, so long as I don't have to sit in the draft! Seriously though, he's one of those people that makes me want to join a club - just so that I can beat him with it.

Apparently America's got 26 inches heading it's way - I've made that same promise before now, I usually gloss over the fact that it's delivered in five instalments though...
In news closer to home, today's paper states that, "Flint's flying high as canaries are sunk" - it still amazes me what passes for sport in Wales.

Ah well, Wednesday tomorrow - there's nothing like hump day to put a smile on your face like a man eating a banana sideways!

"If you keep playing with it it'll fall off!" - that's what my mother always told me - was she happy when it finally did one day at Llandudno beach? Of course not... we never did see aunt Eileen's prosthetic leg again after watching it float away across the waves. Aunt Eileen never forgave me for losing what was one of her favourite appendages, I guess she had become quite attached to it over the years.

After work today I stopped in B&Q, a place that is fast becoming my home away from home, and I found myself wondering if it's me or the world who's losing touch with reality? All I wanted was a new toilet roll holder - not the most exciting of purchases - but there you go. Anyway, I made my way to the relevant aisle to be greeted upon arrival by a range of ludicrous brand names ranging from 'Ultima' to 'Infinity'. I'm not entirely sure what the marketing angle is, but for a product whose sole purpose in life is to dispense toilet paper, a moniker like 'Infinity' just seemed a little ostentatious - then again with a £20 price tag I would be too. Really, who would pay that much for something that you hang a loo roll from?!

The question arose today of what exactly is the purpose behind my blog? Now I'm aware that most 'bloggers' are all about the wealth & the women, but I'd like to think that I'm in it for more than just the 'poon-tang' - but what exactly I am aspiring for I'm just not sure of yet.
I do know that one of the things that scares me the most about this whole blog thing is the 'report abuse' button that they've put at the top of the page. Seriously, if anything like that is going on, please just contact a helpline or a social worker - I'm really not qualified to help in such a scenario and I really have no idea where 'Blogger.com' got the impression that I am?!

I do have to question my commitment to posting a daily blog though - the only other thing that I've managed to keep up of recent is my alcoholism, a fact which is in itself a little depressing. Thankfully all it takes is another drink and I forget all about it. Anyway, so far my drinking hasn't had any significantly detrimental effects upon my health, and besides, I only have to make it to 34 to beat Jesus.

I always thought that fat people were supposed to be jolly? - Apparently that's not something you say on a first date, but I guess that's just one of those things you learn...

I registered with 'NetworkedBlogs' to try & increase the popularity of my two day old blog, and how did NetworkedBlogs choose to thank their latest customer? By categorising me under the genres 'comedy sex life' - I'm glad it amuses someone!

Well it's exactly a week until valentines day, and whilst some of my other single friends say that it's the most depressing day ever (obviously they've never been to a funeral or visited Rhyl), quite frankly I can see an upside to not having to splash out on flowers & chocolates this time round... who honestly enjoys romance anyway?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who gets satisfaction from pushing old people under cars - obviously I know that's not true - but I suppose everyone gets that feeling every now and again if they're honest with themselves... What is it that makes pensioners decide to stop suddenly in front of you when you're walking along the street anyway?... Perhaps they know it's their time...

I have in the past been accused of being unaware of the dangers of the world around me - obviously I'm not as oblivious as the old folk who stop in front of me - but I guess it's fair to say that I occasionally close my eyes to the horrors around me. When it comes to fat girls in mini-skirts though, well I couldn't push them under a car if I tried, so what other option do I have?

Last night I went for another celebratory meal at the Twirl of Hay, and came away with the the nickname 'Doctor Sparkle', and the realisation that I too have tiny hands - which sadly puts 'other things' into perspective... sigh... lucky there's always alcohol to take away the pain.

Sigh... you know a day isn't going to go as planned when you forget to add a teabag to your morning tea - still hot milky water has it's perks - I just struggle to think of any of them.

I was busy playing with 'little Clint' this morning when I was rudely disturbed by a knock on the front door - I opened it only to be greeted by a pair of 'Born Agains' trying to instill some faith into me. Now I'm the kind of person who struggles to be rude to strangers, but from somewhere I managed to find the strength to close the door in their faces.

I'd barely sat down again when there came another knock - this time I was greeted by an outstretched arm with a book in its hand.

"Bible", she said.

"Yes I know", I replied as I tried to slam the door shut on her fingers. Sadly her colleague had already, 'got her foot in the door', but crushing her toes did provide some mild satisfaction. They had quite a stockpile of those little red books - I'm guessing they steal from a lot of hotels... not very Christian, but there you go.

"We'd like you to read it".

Her naive stare made led me to believe that she actually thought I might.

"What? Now?", I then tried my best to explain that I was already preoccupied by the act of 'petting my ferret' & that reading such a long book seemed more than a doorstep activity, but they remained annoyingly unperturbed.
Apparently it's all about the message, personally I believe that if a message is important then it can summarised on a post-it - any message that requires you to read a few hundred pages to get to it can't be that urgent...

Finally they left after I'd imprinted upon them the impression I desired - my door knocker.

At last I was able to return to my milky water, morning paper & ferret stroking - all was well until I opened the paper to be greeted by the headline, "BEWARE THE SILENT KILLER IN YOUR ROOM". For a minute I was concerned that it was a reference to the creepy guy I keep catching hanging around my house with a copy of 'Catcher in the Rye' - but thankfully it was only an article about the dangers of carbon monoxide.

There was another article about a local council who had taken the step of banning doormats because of the potential tripping hazard they may cause to tenants, to which one tenant was quoted as saying, "It's political correctness gone mad!". Not that I'm picky, but the only way that this could be perceived as an incident of political correctness gone 'too far' was if they'd been asked to remove their mats because they bore the phrase, "Please wipe your feet" - which obviously has the potential to be offensive to amputees.

Anyway, I'm rambling - probably thanks to the bottle of 'Black Bush' whiskey I was bought for my birthday - I think someone caught the end of the conversation when I was talking about things I'm fond of...

Well today I turn 28, and, under the advice of a good friend & a hot blonde, I've decided to start my own blog. Not being the most technically minded of people, when they said I should write on my laptop I immediately withdrew my favourite black biro and began to scribe away. It took about an hour to get the ink off, but finally I spotted the keyboard & set to work properly. It took about an hour to get the ink off that too.

It's been about 39hrs since I last slept now (that's what you get when you spend the early hours chatting with friends in New Zealand) & tiredness is definitely starting to kick in - I've just got back from the shops and I could feel myself getting drowsy on the drive home. I remember falling asleep behind a wagon wheel once - woke up with chocolate all over my face... sigh...

"You know when you see someone wearing too much make-up?" - Why do people always say that when I walk past? I guess it really doesn't help that my car is still full of glitter after last Friday either... the fact still remains that I don't wear make-up though - maybe I should?? (Not that I enjoy being mistaken for a transvestite). I guess everything is always funnier when it happens to other people though - except for winning the lottery - why can't it ever be me?

I don't know, another year older, but I don't really feel that much wiser - I guess life is like eye surgery - you can't really see the point until it's all over. All I know is that along with pyjamas and slippers, Tesco don't appreciate you wandering around in your birthday suit - why does a supermarket need a dress code anywho?

Ah well - time for a nap anyway - that's if the red bull doesn't kick in first!