"Twit-twooooo, twit-twooooo" - I was awoken this morning by the sound of a large magical looking owl tapping softly at my bedroom window pane. Hastily I leapt out of bed and rushed to greet it, however just as I was about slap it with a slipper for so rudely disturbing me, I spotted in it's beak an envelope... "Could this be an extravagantly delivered valentines card?", I thought to myself - Turns out however, that J K Rowling's legal team isn't fond of you insinuating that young Harry P may have a penchant for barnyard animals... and there I was thinking that those kinds of documents were delivered by 'legal eagles'!
I've only been going at this thing for a week, but already I may have pushed it too far... (said Dumbledore).

Well, "Happy sad suckers day!" everyone - I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me... which isn't good!
Just one bunch of roses sent this year. and despite explicitly requesting that the message, "I love you", be written on the back of the bill, it looks like I've actually been charged for them! - I guess it's true what they say, love hurts... my wallet!

People often say to me, "Clayton, why is a stud like you single?" - the truth is girlfriends are too expensive, even a 'girlfriend experience' lasting just an hour will set you back a few hundred quid - so imagine how much a full time one would cost!
I guess the problem is that I'm one of those guys who likes to pay for everything (I know, call me old fashioned), although I'm being encouraged to split everything 50/50 - which sounds fine on paper, but those 'girlfriend experience' girls really aren't happy unless you pay for the whole hour!

Ah well, here are some more romantic rhymes to lift the mood!

"Roses are red,
Snowdrops are white,
Hey it's Valentines day -
Let's stay up all night! ;)"

"Lillies are white,
And I know they're your fav!
It's a shame they're not cheap,
(But I found found these on a grave!)."

"Roses are red,
Pigs live in sh*t,
You've got a body,
That just wont quit!"

"Roses are red,
Brown is the bear,
I'd love to see you
In your underwear!"

Well Happy Valentines Day once again to all the babes of the world, shame I can't love you all - but if I did I'd just never get anything done!

Now everyone, lets finish with a BUTT DANCE!! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_l_)(_\_) - Yeah, that's right - work it girl! Bow Chica Bow Wow!